karaokegal

Still up; still torturing myself.

2020-11-26T07:47:23Z

How can I sleep when that psycho-women has just launched her so-called "Kraken" lawsuits and Trumps legions of Brown Shirts are jumping around and howling like rabid babboons?

I know I'm powerless, that I have to turn it over, let go; let god...but I'm failing epically. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in three weeks and I'm so traumatized from the ghosts of 2000 and the fear of what's been done to the judiciary that I'm convinced he's going to get away with it via SCOTUS and the House.

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I really don't like chess

2020-10-26T01:38:44Z

It's not a game that plays to my strengths, whatever they may be, at all.
Unfortunately hubby has adopted chess as one of his lockdown interests/obsessions and although he is now playing games on chess.com, I'm playing at least one a day on days off. It's about being agreeable. I do manage to win sometimes, if hubby gets distracted and makes a dumb move, but statistically not doing that great.

Maybe I can dig up a Scrabble set and try and get something on the agenda that I have a better chance at.

(We're watching the Queen's Gambit on Netflix. I wonder how much child abuse I have to sit through to get something about chess.)

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Looks like we made it!

2020-10-04T17:26:17Z

I'm going back to the Lounge!!!!!!!
I survived 4 months in customer service hell....ok, let me rephrase that, I was lucky enough to have a well-paying job in the safety of my own home during a pandemic, when many people had no jobs or had to go out and risk their health to stay gainfully employed. In other words, I am one entitled first world bitch. Having said that...customer service sucks and/or I suck at it. The whole culture of "good is not good enough" left me traumatized from people yelling at me, people who were distraught that I couldn't actually help, people of mature years without their hearing aids attempting to negotiate the website, and anxiety that at any minute I was screwing up and would get fired.
The worst was the feeling that this was never going to end.
But it is.
And I didn't get into the food. Gratitude for the Program, my Sponsor, Sponsees, program fellows, zoom meetings and my higher power.
Much love to my husband for putting up with some big-time mishegas through all this, when during the same time he was working three nights a week and had at least two exposure scares. Miraculously we have not killed eachother.
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Answer to a question nobody is asking: No. I'm not doing Yuletide this year. Possibly never again, but not this year. Not nominating, not signing up, not looking for pinch hits or writing treats.
I'm proud of the stories I wrote the past two years, but I just don't have the emotional energy anymore.
I did get great stories, but ending up on the Pinch Hit list two years in a row doesn't say much for me being in synch with general YT Zeitgeist.
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Last night I was watching Jay's Virtual Pub Quiz and there back-to-back questions: 1. Who played Jack Harkness in Dr. Who and Torchwood? 2. Who played Dr. Greg House? It was like someone had been monitoring the two characters I was most obsessed with between 2006 and 2013. Even more so when you remember that the gateway drug to my Jack obsession was being asked to beta a Wilson/Jack crossover fic.
Plus I got a Birmingham question correct recently because I remembered the Bullring from the Squeeee Odyssey of 2009.
Good times.
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Love to you all. Stay Safe. Be Kind.
I'm Going Back To The Lounge!!!!!!!!!!

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Testing to see if I've got my LJ cross-post fixed.

2020-09-09T05:59:59Z

Hubby found that Vera was a lot easier to watch with the closed captioning on. I was endlessly amused by the various descriptions of sounds the seagulls were making and the indistinct conversations that meant they didn't want to pay extras for a speaking part, as well as DRAMATIC MUSIC.
When the hell will Netflix have Series 10?
What should we watch now?
I made it through the first series of Marcella, but gave up after two eps of series 2. I can't do a Pedophile story, especially when the police are both unlikeable and incompetent. (How do you make Jamie Bamber unlikeable anyway?)

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Hierarchy of fear

2020-09-09T05:38:44Z

In reverse order
Covid-I wear my mask exactly much as I need to in order to function in society. Bus, stores, if I have to approach people outside or walk with friends. Left to my own, it's off the minute I can. I've tried to believe that either I need to protect myself or be inconvenienced for the greater good. I know people have died and ventilators are horrible. No sense of risk whatsoever. (I realize this also makes me a germ-ridden pariah who is threatening herd immunity by my very existence.)

Colon Cancer-There possible family history and I'm 55 years old. I still refused to have a colonoscopy due to inconvenience and over-all grossness of the prep. I did a "poop by mail" test and haven't heard anything back from my doctor. Not going out of my way to follow up with her.
Slight concern.

Breast Cancer. Family history. Friends.
I don't mind getting the girls getting squished once a year, as long as my insurance covers it. I was LIVID when I got dragged back to check out some "assymetry" and it turned out to be nothing and the insurance didn't cover it.
More worried about not telling anyone if it does happen because I can't imagine surgery or chemo being tolerable.

Sun.
We had a heat wave and I was still outside with my arms covered, legs covered and a floppy hat.
Whatever's going to get me, it ain't gonna be melanoma. "The sun is far too sultry and one most avoid it's ultry-violet rays.
SUN....skin cancer...sunburn. That scares me.

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Lockdown update.
I finally finished Good Omens-took over a year.
I finally finished the 2014 June 9/June 16 New Yorker Double Issue-Love Stories. I've been working on it since we came home. That was the middle of March. Hey, it was a double issue, lots of stories.

I can play Ode to Joy on the Harmonium, but I only learned it so I could use the tune to chant Rama Bolo.

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But what I really wanted to talk about...

2020-08-04T23:25:56Z

Is my loathing of any and all "subscriptions" or services that can be enrolled in on-line, but can only be escaped from via phone call.
I've finally extricated myself from Paypal Credit after MONTHS of paying the 99 cent per month fee, because actually making the bloody phone call felt so daunting.

One thing I have to do in my customer service role is dispute charges and it's amazing how many people get themselves stuck on "free intros" and then feel helpless to cancel the monthly charges that follow. But it's not amazing, because it's exactly what happened with Paypal Credit.

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Continuing our Crown-watching....
Clancy Brown's LBJ was a vast improvement over Michael C. Hall's JFK.
I miss Matt Smith's cheek-bones and Matthew Goode's everything.
Charles Dance as Mountbatten reminded me how much I love his dramatic readings during the Big Fat Quiz and how even more gutted I'm going to be when...well it's not exactly a spoiler, but you know....
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Newest obsession: Taskmaster! We're on Series 6. I love how predictably there's at least one chick, one person of color, one young, white comedian and one old guy/old broad and how many of them I've seen on at least one other panel show.

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“We Are Not Human Beings, We Are Human Becomings.”

2020-08-04T22:44:25Z

John Addison.

No idea what I'm in the process of becoming right now, but I really hope it's a better person.

Five months into the lock-down and my inner Karen is a constant presence.

On the other hand, Hubby and I haven't killed eachother (or ourselves) yet. We have spent a lot of $$$ on various toys, however.

I quote from Hubby's Facebook.

"I finally replaced my entry level fiddle with one that I’ll be happy to play for the rest of my life. The old one, an E. Martin, (who was a relative of C.F.Martin of guitar fame) had developed a crack in the top that had gone almost all the way through. I went to Roland Feller Violins and he showed me some Neuner & Hornsteiner violins from Mittenwald Germany. They were all 19th century instrument They were all 19th century instruments. My first fiddle was an N&H which I sold for a ridiculously low price 15 years ago after I broke my wrist. I’ve regretted it ever since. I’m really happy with this one though. It’s VERY loud, it’s so resonant it feels like the sound echoes inside it. It’s very comfortable to play. It’s really beautiful with a lovely chocolate brown lacquer and rosewood tailpiece and chinrest. It’s got geared Perfection pegs so I don’t need fine tuners apart from the one on the E string that all fiddles seem to come with."

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Hi Kids

2020-07-19T20:06:29Z

Work is still pretty emotional, but there have been improvements. I can't really go into detail, but I'm just not cut out for this particular brand of customer service and it's a lot of Good Times, Bad Times, you know I've had my share. Including a card member who insisted on a Supervisor and when I tried to determine if I could assist him, said, "I don't have time to educate you." I've also had variations on "Is this your first day?" We're being used a lot to take calls from card members who do not want to talk to a representative out of the US. I wish we didn't have to indulge racism and xenophobia, but there you are.

At least I'm able to practice Yoga with Adriana three times a week on Zoom and I got another chance for a "sneak" appointment with Sebastian to get my roots touched up again.

Finished 3 series of Grantchester
( SPOILERS )

But still....ROBSON GREEN!

Also semi-binging The Crown.
Loving the snark, the sneering, Matt Smith's cheekbones, and Matthew Goode's EVERYTHING. (You know I'm a sucker for an "Anything that moves" kind of guy.) Very impressed with the writing and acting for David and Wallis. Plus....hey, Jared Harris.
Also, I have now decided that not only are there only 5 actors in the UK, but that it is literally impossible for me to watch any UK Telly without encountering Anna Chancellor at some point. Mind you, this is in no way a bad thing.
Right up until the JFK/Jackie episode, I thought all the casting was AMAZING.
HOWEVER
I am a Kennedy-phile and connoisseur of media portrayals of JFK et al and I have to say that Michael C. Hall (an otherwise amazing actor) is without a doubt the absolute WORST JFK I have ever seen in my life. THE WORST. I realize not everyone can be William Devane or even Cliff Robertson, but COME ON!!!!

So the last two episodes I've seen, the JFK/Jackie and the obligatory horrible boarding school one were a bit of a letdown. I realize we have to deal with the horrible boarding school to give the backstory for why Charles can be a bit of head-case and therefore why (among other reasons) the Charles/Diana situation was so dooomed, but sitting through horrible boarding school abuse is still not pleasant.

Looking forward to more good-stuff, although I'll miss the starting line-up when the cast turns over.

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Gmail doesn't have a "sort by sender" function for the Inbox?

2020-07-19T17:43:07Z

REALLY?

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Brutal week

2020-06-01T01:19:10Z

The OJT (on the job training) just raises so many issues for me. Stress, anxiety, fear of criticism, compare and despair. Fear and Ego on a plate. UGH. Throw in having to do it from 6AM to 230P and it's been an utter nightmare.

As soon as shift is over, I run outside and walk at least two miles or ride the bike a bit to make sure I decompress before interacting with Hubby.

Self-pity time:
I want my life back! Yoga, karaoke, nails, hair, and my real job.

Highlight of the week: Barrowman on QI!!! With white hair even. I've literally been waiting for this since at least 2008.

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Hello, yeah, it's been awhile.

2020-05-11T16:35:45Z

Not much.
How about you?

Lock-down update.
Had a tooth pulled two weeks ago to fix major toothache and today I'm finally seeing an ENT to address the recurring, spontaneous nose-bleed issue that started in February and triggered huge amounts of procrastination along with catastrophizing on the grand scale.

Still on the payroll. Just finished two weeks of card-service training, but I can't start OJT (On the Job Training) because a million years ago I used my seniority to get this particular week off so I could be in San Jose tonight to see Neil DeGrasse Tyson and then since I had the week off anyway, I also got tickets for Thursday to see Adam Ant at the Fox theater in Oakland. To quote my father, quoting his mother, I believe, "Man plans and god laughs."
n
So now I can't even go to virtual work because I have to take this PTO. (Paid Time Off.)

Plans include even more Zoom 12-step meetings, more Harmonium practice, arranging my study notes for when I do have to take live calls, scrubbing my filthy kitchen, yoga, weights, walking.

And yes, there is Virtual Karaoke on Face Book. It's not perfect, but it's something. Let's call it methadone maintenance for my Karaoke addiction.

Hubby, being hubby, has bought a microscope, bought a recumbent trike, gotten interested in anime, started drawing again and is practicing his instruments. (He still gets to go work three nights a week, but also has this week on time off because he was supposed to be seeing Neil DeGrasse Tyson with me.)

We finished Shetland-Really good, but none of Jimmy's het romances including the one with Archie Panjabi's character were as compelling as the clearly slashy interactions with Duncan Hunter. Then Hinterlands-MEH! Started Vexed and gave up after two episode. Finished the first season of The Alienist-mixed feelings, but willing to go another round if it comes up on Netflix. Loved the first series of Grantchester. Now that's what I call Bro-Mance. (Remember when that phrase made me retch?) Or maybe it's just the overwhelming awesomeness of Robson Green?

We've started The Frankenstein Chronicles...interesting, but on the bleak side.

Rec me something, preferably a British mystery with nice scenery that I can interest Hubby in.

Find me on Facebook. Text. Email.

Miss you all.

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Hinterlands

2020-04-12T02:36:40Z

Every time I watch Richard Harrington doing his bearded, broody thing, all I can think (in the Cinema Sins guy's voice) "Discount Russell Crowe."

Any other British mysteries to help entertain us during lockdown?

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Shetland!

2020-04-10T21:02:49Z

Jimmy/Duncan
I need to start reading fic immediately.
I need to *not* start considering Yuletide possibilities.
Done is done. (We started Hinterlands as well, but I'm not finding a compelling ship there.)

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Fear & Anxiety

2020-03-21T09:12:57Z

I don't really believe things are going to go back to normal.
I think we're heading for a post-apocalyptic dystopia.
I'm not fit enough for the Hunger Games.

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The Bernie bubble is bursting...

2020-03-05T18:29:38Z

Pretty much as I anticipated, although actually sooner.
Hubby is depressed and I'm working the Al Anon side of the program as much as possible. I'm there to be supportive, NOT say, "I Told You So" and remember that I didn't cause the problem and I can't fix it.
And don't binge no matter what, including Allen continuing to include me in things like "Employee Appreciation Week" in the form of bags of clearly leftover Halloween candy. I fobbed mine off on a co-worker as quickly as possible. Caramel fucking M&M's? If I pop one of those bad boys in my mouth, that's 5 years and 6 months out the window, like that!

I'm doing really well with a 3 day yoga schedule at 645AM, instead of 4 or 5 days at 7AM. It's opened up space for doing my weekly email clean-out and practice harmonium. The biggest challenge is STILL making myself lie down by 1AM. TBH I'm currently averaging 115 to 130, but the 1AM intention is still there.

Grateful to be off Twitter, Tumbler and Instagram. Look for me on FB, if you want less personal, but more frequent updates.

Hubby seems to be shocked, shocked that political discourse, even among "friends" (and some family) on FB has gotten unpleasant.

We're aiming at an October trip to New Orleans (to replace the Portland that got cancelled due to broken arm.)
Suggestions for paleo dining? Hints for museums, sight-seeing etc?

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Yuletide 2019

2020-02-16T07:51:36Z

Probably my last one, unless my work schedule and priorities change drastically.

Thanks to all my writers, recipients, betas and hand-holders.

Back in 2007, I wrote Scenes From A Caper in the Oceans 11 fandom. (There was only one film then.)
WARNING:
It turns out there's an appearance by Donald Trump. I honestly had NO MEMORY of writing this.

For 2019, I returned to Danny, Rusty et al and wrote Time and Conditions.

Special thanks to My Young Friend. Friend, beta, hand-holder, Brit-checker. I'm still not sure Basher is supposed to actually be British, but he certainly wants us to believe he is.

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This year I ended up on the Pinch Hit list for the second year in a row. TWICE this year...thanks again to Ladybug 21 for giving me a Singin' In The Rain fic that fulfilled my "Justice for Lina Lamont" request and gave a bit of comeuppance to Don and Kathy.

Go. Read. Give love!
A Voice To Match

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RIP Robert Conrad

2020-02-09T07:47:58Z

Wild, Wild West’ Star Robert Conrad Dies At Age 84

I wax effusive about Baa Baa Black Sheep/Black Sheep Squadron and Mr. Conrad in general.

Link to my four Wild Wild West fics, including Yuletide 2018, two MMOM fics and a MMOM drabble.

Black Sheep Squadron drabble

P.S. If anything happens to William Devane, I will really lose my shit.

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Hubby has gone full-on Bernie Bot!

2020-01-21T18:33:10Z

And I'm just not there yet. I was in the Cory Camp and now that he's out, I'm not feeling passionate about anyone. I don't hate Joe Biden, but I know what happens when either party nominates someone just because it's "their turn." I also worry that the longer it takes to winnow down the field, the more time the Psycho-In-Chief's crazed followers have to solidify their position.

I honestly don't know if ANY of our guys/gals can get it down. The last time we took out a sitting President was '92 and as much as I villified George H. W. Bush at the time, we now know he was a gem and a joy compared to everything that's come after. Plus whatever short-comings Bill Clinton had as a human beings (and I'd still vote for him again) he was an absolutely charismatic power-house campaigner and had an equally powerful team around him who were willing to do whatever it took.

Sanders is good, but on the Charisma scale, he's no Bill Clinton and even on the inspiration scale, I'm not sure he's a Barack Obama.

Believe it or not, I'm still taking Mayor Pete somewhat seriously.

No matter what happens, and it might be truly horrible, including "Four More Years," my personal development and spiritual path are still my prime focus. I used to be so obsessed with politics that it drove me round the bend when things didn't go my way. In a way, Politics was my fandom after I left Star Trek (original series) and Sci-Fi and before I came back to Fandom via House/LJ/Torchwood. And if you remember how I reacted when canon didn't do what I wanted in those, then you have some idea of the temper tantrum I threw on election night 1988, for example.

What can I say? I was young and I was actively in my addiction.

On election night 2016, I was working and as soon as Florida went (it's always Florida) I knew it was all over, and yes, I was upset, but I was also abstinent and determined to stay emotionally sane. My promise then was "More love, more hugs, more mantras."

To that I have to add that I'm learning that everything is perfect, even if everything is terrible. And I need to keep meditating.

Can you tell I've been listening to a lot of Ram Dass talks lately?

One thing I will say...much as I love Rachel, I still miss having Keith as an active cheerleader in the political arena. Everytime I look up at the TV screen in the Lounge that has ESPN on and I see him I wave and blow a kiss.

TL;DR Too many dicks on the floor, even if some of them are boobs.

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2020, here we go!

2020-01-16T18:04:35Z

Ch, ch, changes..
I'm off Instagram, Twitter and Tumbler.
I've quit Words With Friends, Four Pictures; One Word, Bejeweled, and Cubis Gold.
The goal is sleep. I've got my "dream schedule" again, of five closing nights (245PM-1115PM) and Saturday/Sunday off, but this ONLY works if I get enough sleep and the social media, games and, very sadly Yuletide were all major obstacles to that.
I'm still practicing yoga and Laughing Lotus switched the early class to 645AM on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Morning Mantras are gone, so I'm going to Integral Yoga to chant on Tuesdays.
Since staying up till all hours is no longer an option, I'm using (at least today) Thursday as a get things done on-line, including working on the OA Newsletter that is part of one of my service commitments.
Lots of letting go of attachments. Since Ram Dass left his body, I've been listening to his talks nearly nonstop when I go to sleep, and I'm still trying to work a rigorous program around all these issues.
The last one is still my determination to get the LJ fics imported over to A03. I'm working on the drabbles from 2010. Yes 10 whole years ago, but I just can't leave it half done.
Look for me on Facebook for the puppy and paleo pictures and very casual postings.
I'll stay on LJ/DW for longer, more personal, and political musings.

Happy New Year, everybody.
Namaste!

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Self-care and self-destruction

2019-12-05T01:13:04Z

Private yoga lesson with my favorite teacher-CHECK!
Massage that I've been promising myself since hubby broke his arm-CHECK

And now I'm set up at a coffee shop, prepared to write and consume caffeine until I have a first draft or I get thrown out.

Yuletide marches on!
🤪

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Halloween 2019

2019-11-03T23:05:10Z

The bad news is that LJ is getting less and less functional for me in terms of being able to post pictures, especially since pretty much every thing is happening on my Iphone. At the moment, it's not even letting make a new LJ Scrapbook album. I might figure it out eventually, but I can't be arsed at the moment.

Soooooo the rest of the pictures can be found here:

Google Pictures

or

Facebook

And could someone let me know, if you can't see that? Still trying to figure out cross platform pollination as it were.

I didn't stay out that late. I was just glad to be able to do a really nice costume this year. Last year I went very low-effort and Yanni called me out on it and at the time I thought, OK, I'll make it up to him next year. I hope he would have like this one. I think I looked hot and I was wearing a lot of damn petticoats. Plus I had a very handsome cowboy to accompany me.

I also felt it was a bit trivial to be worrying about Halloween in light of the fires still going on in Marin County, but Halloween is Halloween

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The Siren Song of Yuletide

2019-10-25T19:13:51Z

Is calling my name, even though I know it's a badbadbadbadbad idea.

One of the major issues in my life is the precarious balance between sleep/exercise/caffeine/work. Any endeavour that eventually includes the phrase, "I'm going to get myself jacked up on caffeine so I can finish this." is a sure-fire one-way ticket to something really bad going down mentally or physically, and it's exactly what happened to me last year.

On the other hand...TRADITION. And so much fun, or at least so much emotion and adrenaline.

On the other other hand, an inevitable "post partum depression" even if I get a lovely gift-fic and enough positive comments not to trigger the old "comment crack whore/nobody loves me" syndrome.

Hilariously, I actually thought/hoped Bohemian Rhapsody might be eligible.

Who's in?
Who's out?
Who wants to be my hand-holding/talk me down/beta-buddy if I do go for it?

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Feeling a bit ground down, but trying to stay grateful.

2019-10-12T04:36:34Z

Gratitude turns everything we have into what we need and more.
Hubby had his gallbladder out yesterday. Before that he had about three weeks of pain, nausea, gastro-intestinal nastiness etc. For the past eight months we've been dealing with the broken arm.
Part of me is feeling that my entire year was given over to his health.

On the other hand...
First world problems.
He has insurance (at least for the time being.)
None of this is currently life-threatening.
The biggest concern is how much I'm going to have to accept what he'll be able to eat...in other words I've already had to un-embargo the rice. I'm still holding the line on wheat/soy, but it's going to be a tough sell when his snack options are limited and my FAT IS AWESOME standards aren't applicable to his post-gall bladder body. So my ego is definitely a factor here.
While I'm whinging about poor, pitiful me, keep in mind: I got to go to Kirtan camp. I went to NYC.

I haven't binged in five years, one month, and about two week. I still love my job.

One of the chants we did yesterday at Morning Mantras was Sita Ram.
Sita didn't give up when the demon wanted her to marry him.
Ram didn't give up trying to find Sita when the demon had taken her away.
They didn't get overwhelmed when they were living in exile together.

I'm going to be 55 in about two weeks and I'm in (kanine hora) great health, including abstinence from binging and sobriety from drugs/alcohol.

I've got NOTHING to complain about.

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Kirtan Camp was amazing, by the way!

2019-09-15T02:32:32Z

vi

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Autumn in New York

2019-09-15T02:26:17Z

I'm not there yet, but I will be. I've been chasing the customer service award for four years because my co-worker Allen won it in the first year we were both at the Lounge and I (or at least my ego) have a competitive streak. I'm hopefully not quite the same psycho who used to have Crack-whore melt-downs when other writers in my fandoms and especially my ships got more comments than I did, but I still want ALL THE LOVE. Of course I'm not getting ALL THE LOVE because Allen got the Team Leader job, but every day I thank all the deities for that. Because right now being the Team Leader sucks!

Anyway...Customer Service Award gets a trip to NYC, fancy hotel, meet the CEO and see a Broadway show.

I was born in New York and therefore I can sing Native New Yorker with total justification. However I've lived in San Francisco for over 30 years and the last time I was actually in Manhattan, I had a bit of a panic attack in the middle of Times Square. For this trip I'm less worried about crowds than I am about food and clothes. There's a bunch of meals that I will not have total control over. I've just celebrated five years of not binging. I'm not going to blow it now. (One day at a time, but the grace of God.)

They provided a list of food restrictions and I gave them the whole shebang. Gluten free, Grain free, dairy free, no soy or legums, Paleo. I'm still bringing some salami, nuts and measuring cup with me.

Then there's the clothing. HOLY SHIT!!!! This trip has a series of events, including a photo op with the CEO and there's an actual dress code for each one. Business Casual, Smart Casual, and (get ready for it) Evening Chic. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! For the last five years, I've either worn my work uniform or yoga clothes. I hate shopping for clothes and since Yanni shuffled off this mortal coil, I no longer have a gay male in my life who I trust to be brutally honest with me AND talk me down from any body dysmorphia in the fitting room flare-ups.

My game plan right now is to try TJ MAXX, Nordstrom Rack and Macy's with an eye out for shirt-dresses. I'll also have to wear panty-hose and worst of all cram myself into a bra.

Be careful what you wish for my friends.

Just for the record, I'm also honored and supremely grateful for the award and my job. I'm just a little freaked our right now.

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